Showing posts with label LOL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LOL. Show all posts

Thursday 2 February 2023

Ground Hog Day

Famous ground hogs were very unhappy today. 

There are many famous little critters who have their day in the sun (although we usually hope not) around the globe Groundhog - Wikipedia. Some are: Punxsutawney Phil (Pennsylvania); Ms. G (Massachusetts); Tymko (Ukraine); Sir Walter Wally (North Carolina); Quigley (New York); Manitoba Merv (Manitoba); Fred La Marmotte (Qu├ębec); Shubenacadie Sam (Nova Scotia); Wiarton Willie (Ontario). Groundhog Day: What did the groundhogs predict for 2023? | CTV News

For the most part especially for gardeners they are a pain on the butt. But today they all have their fifteen minutes of Andy Warhol fame.

In recent years I all of them have had one thought only: "Please put me back and lock the door before somebody shoots me!" It really has nothing to do with the sun. I suggest these rodents are tuned in to social media. With the rise in violence around the globe why leave the safety of their den?

Looks like the little buck-toothed critters' traditional predictions were bang on (no pun intended). It's going down to -20 F in the Toronto area.

One question - I could probably Google it but didn't: Who looks after them all year? Is there a special person assigned to their care or a local zoo? Are they paid (the keepers, not the ground hogs)? 

In Stratford Ontario Stratford famous for it's Theatre Festivals, there are swans on the Avon river - just like England. They have an annual parade for both the bringing out of the swans in spring and later housing them back into their winter compound. It is quite a ritual. Maybe some of these towns have the same thing for ground hogs.
The swans seem to relish the attention and they have comfort in numbers - not so for the den diggers.

One other thing I noticed - they all need those tooth whiteners we see advertised. I think the manufacturers are missing an opportunity for a good commercial.

Sometimes I feel like not venturing outside myself - just because!


Wednesday 17 November 2021

Top 6 Groin Tats for Men and Women



1 Satisfaction Not Guaranteed
2 This way up
3 Handle with care
4 Might produce unwanted side effects
5 This package could explode
6 Shake well before using


1 Enter at own risk
2 Slippery when wet
3 Open other end first
4 Do not use if seal is broken
5 Use with alcohol not advised
6 Safety gloves recommended


Friday 1 January 2021

Squirrel proof bird feeder

Outsmart the Squirrels!

Finally I outsmarted my local squirrels - so far! See photo below.

I remember my father spending much self amusement time trying to invent a method to feed the birds but keep the squirrels away. He finally hung the bird feeder, a simple tray, from a branch close to our summer cottage, then strung a cord from it right through a wooden window frame into our living room! My mother was very patient. When the squirrel shimmied down onto the feeder he pulled the cord to spin the tray and the pesky rodent would fly off.

The trouble was it became a war in which the squirrel would get right back up there to try again. Either he found it entertaining like a kid on a roller coaster or he wanted in turn, to outsmart Dad!

There is a little rhyme about graffiti writers: "Man's ambition must be small to write his name on an outhouse (bathroom) wall!" I think it also applies to retired men like yours truly, pitting their brain against a squirrel's. 

This is a very simple design. You can buy a commercial metal one like an upside down funnel.  I made it 24 inches square and could have enlarged it but my first attempt works. It also catches a lot of the seed dropped, or rejected by the birds.

The little guys were at first irate when they saw birds like doves up there feasting away. They tried several times to jump from my gazebo onto it but it was too far away. They can climb the pole but can't lean back and out enough to grab the edge of the platform. Now they are content to retrieve the droppings. FYI, I do leave a pile on the ground just for them.

It is New Years Day 2021. Winter has been mild so far. When they get desperate they might succeed but so far I win.

By the way. This is the best design for such a deterrent in all of history. Only I could have done this. My generals and security advisors all failed. No other occupant of this house before me ever accomplished this. But I know you fake media types will never give me credit. That's OK. Media reporters are all squirrel brains. If the squirrels ever do succeed it will not be my fault nor will it be from Russian aid. It will be the Chinese for sure. Biden will never admit this. Neither would Obama.



Saturday 1 February 2020

The Perfect Call

The OJ call to DJ

R-r-r-r-ing R-r-r-r-ing
"White House. How can you help us?"
"This is OJ. Let me speak to DJ."
"Sir. This is the office of The President of the United States."
"I know that babe. Just put me through to DJ."
"Sir, I don't know who you think you are. How DARE you speak to me like that!"
"No babe, you don't know who you're speaking to or you would not speak to me like that. Now put me through sister."
"Who are you? How did you get this number?"
"Just tell him it's OJ. We go way back. He's golfing isn't he? That's why I called his cell."

"One moment whoever you are."

Dingle Dingle ... Dingle Dingle 

"I'm golfing here! I just missed my putt! This better be good. YOU'RE FIRED!"
"Sir there is an 'OJ' on the line who says you go way back"
"On the secure line?"
"No Sir. This is your cell. You only have a secure line in the Oval Office"
"I'M IN THE OVAL OFFICE NITWIT. By the way, go and look at yourself in the mirror! Put him through."
"Hey DJ. How's it goin' man?"
"This is NOT a Quid Pro Quo. It is a perfect call"
"Say what? This is OJ man. What gives?"
"Sorry Buddy. Oops. I mean you got me Buddy. I never say 'Sorry.' What can you do for me OJ? "
"Just called to say conrats man. Ain't this just the greatest country Dude?"
"Not before ME OJ. I made America GREAT again. Nobody else could do that."
"Er-r-r-r if you say so DJ. But also I have something for you."
"NEVER say that OJ. NEVER. This is NOT a Quid Pro Quo. This is a PERFECT call. I.m running late here OJ so keep talking!"
"Remember the glove thing? I've still got them man - the real ones! They are worth a fortune on Amazon. They will finance your entire campaign."
"This is NOT a Quid Pro Quo. It is a PERFECT call. You were saying?"
"That's it DJ. But before I give them up there is just one little thing. I'd like ... wait now. My lawyer says 'we'd' like a little favor."
"NEVER say that OJ. NEVER. This is NOT a Quid Pro Quo. This is a PERFECT call. I'm listening."
"They tell me you can grant pardons ... to anyone."
"NEVER say that OJ. NEVER. This is NOT a Quid Pro Quo. This is a PERFECT call. I'm going to give you a number - my lawyer's. Call him. There might be a short hold - I mean pause  but be patient."
"OK man. We should throw a few sometime out in the yard"
"Your yard or mine?"
"Yours dude. I can throw a Kleenex out of bounds in mine these days."
"FYI OJ, I know more about football than Payton Manning and you combined. I have thrown the most touchdowns and have completed more running plays than anyone in the history of football. Call that number. I'll have somebody speak to him."
"Thanks DJ."
"NEVER say that OJ. NEVER. This is NOT a Quid Pro Quo. This is a PERFECT call. By the way whatever you are doing now? YOU'RE FIRED."
"I'm not employed."
"I can do anything. Didn't you hear? I am a King now." 

"You know what DJ? Never mind. You can have the gloves anyway. They're too big these days."


"OJ? … OJ? ...I had the biggest inauguration EVER. Way bigger than Obama's. You hear me OJ? ... OJ?"

Ping Ping ... Ping Ping

"Get that guy back on this phone STAT!"
"You fired me dipstick. Call him yourself! You just press those little square numbers in the middle ... AFTER you hang up ... like THIS."


The Brewster

Tuesday 31 December 2019

A Politician's Resolutions

Double Speak at its Best: Top 5 New Years Political Resolutions

  1. I will endeavor to channel all of my focus into solving the problems which all hard working citizens experience as roadblocks to the fulfillment of their dreams in this country of opportunity which is the envy of the world (WTF?)
  2. The public has spoken in an abundantly clear tone and I have already directed my administration and my cabinet to double down in their efforts to become transparent and seek public feedback through town hall meetings and focus groups we have already initiated since the election to fulfill the mandate we have been given throughout 2020 and our entire term of office (Come again?)
  3. There is no greater priority for our government than to leverage the resources of government to increase our productivity and efficiency while reducing cost and waste in a similar fashion to what we know single families across this great nation have to do day to day. Our government will be there for you. (yadda, yadda, yadda)
  4. The people of this great land have spoken and that is why from this day forward environmental change and the disastrous effects it will have on our children and future generations has become our number one priority.
  5. The people of this great land have spoken and that is why from this day forward health care for all has become our number one priority.
Holy crap. This is just what we need. It's about time. Glad I voted for this person.

The Brewster

Thursday 31 January 2019

Something(s) to Think About

I am no Will Rogers or Mark Twain but I gave it My Best

Brewster Babble: 
  1. I had life by the tail. Then I lifted it and had my first look at reality.
  2. If God really wanted us to reform our ways we would all have a reset button instead of a belly button.
  3. With my luck every time I extend the glass to decide if it is half empty or half full I can't find my glasses.
  4. Life is just a bowl of cherries until you eat the last one. Then it's just the pits.
  5. My wife said she wanted foreplay, so I invited over two of her friends and now she is pissed at me.
  6. I got one of those four hour Viagra erections but my partner says I paid three hours and fifty-seven seconds too much.
  7. Surely one of the worst human defects is when a person's brain is in their ass and all their crap comes out of their mouth. Think of anyone in particular?
  8. Fortune favours the bold - and their mistresses!
  9. If birds of a feather do stick together does that make them racists?
  10. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Good Advice, but I'm broke and you can fix me anytime you want.
  11. Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder - and hornier!
  12. I am trying to be less critical of others and it really is helping me realize how stupid some people are.
  13. People who live in White Houses should not throw Tweets
  14. My partner asked if her dress made her look fat. I asked if I could blame my beer gut on my pants. Now she won't speak to me. Women!
  15. The early bird gets the first position at the Costco gas pumps.
  16. Old saying updated: Take your eyeglasses off first then give your head a shake!
  17. Why would I want a tat? Mother Nature already creates a new marking somewhere on my body every day and it's totally free.
  18. People who live in White Houses should not throw Tweets.
  19. I wish the person who said "A picture is worth a thousand words" could have seen the smart phone. Now it's thousands of pictures and sadly, no words.
  20. God helps those who help themselves. Even DJT? Now I know why I am not particularly religious.

Sunday 18 March 2018

Is God a Woman or a Man?

A Very Old Question Still Very Taboo

According to the Bible and I suspect most holy books, God created woman from Adam’s ribs. Man’s ribs have never been the same.  Women make us laugh until our ribs hurt; cry until our ribs hurt; exert ourselves sexually until our ribs hurt (I wish); dissuade us from eating too many ribs; and they have been generally ribbing us ever since.
I think we are lucky that God (reputed to be male) created breasts to cover Eve’s ribs. You see He was probably going to create a third sex from Eve’s ribs; then a fourth from the third sex’s ribs, etc. How many sexes would we have had today? What a mess that would have caused. We can’t even handle two – OK some today would say the number of sexes or preferences is actually four or six or seven.
Thankfully, it never happened. I think He was distracted by His own creation - female breasts. One look and it was probably "Wow - I’ve really outdone myself this time. They’re not bad!  Now what was I about to do next? I don’t remember”. Hence there are only two 2 sexes. Breasts have always stupefied men, even great men. Oh yes – and yours truly.
Some argue that God is a woman. Most men can't decorate their way out of a paper bag let alone decorate an entire planet. It would explain the history of the earth - ice, stone, and modern ages; multiple races; varying climates; a full range of geography; the evolution of the species. God changed her mind – frequently of course!
Problem: If God were a woman and created man first, then every female thereafter would have disliked God. No, a woman would have created a woman first. The reverse doesn’t make sense. Of course when did a woman ever make any sen ... no, better not go there.
Different consideration: Many women have absolutely no use for men let alone give up a rib for them. It would be a unisex world - female only, if God were a woman and first created another woman. It is clearly not. Also, women would have no other sex to dump on in this case. Thus God would have really screwed up if she had created women only. We all know women NEVER screw up.
There you have it. God must be a man.
Don't get me wrong - I admire and envy women. However they do have a distinct advantage over most men - their partners are usually men (I can just hear the gasps and the cursing) - not always, but usually. I believe the world would be a better place if there were more women heads-of-state. There have been some great leaders who were women. They were tough when they had to be. I believe a woman is inclined to have a more humane nature than a man. Humane women can turn on their tough nature easier than tough men can turn on their tender nature. Consider this as well: If a female politician is caught in a covert sexually compromising situation she can run faster with her skirt up than a man can with his pants down! Also, with heels it is much more difficult to put her foot in her mouth.
Women brought order to life. They’ve been ordering us around ever since. My background is computer systems. There is no question in my mind that women are better at this - more logical and more organised, than most men. My spouse is more organised than I am - but then that is hardly a compliment. It is probably true that most households would be a shambles if men were in charge (even though we could find things faster). This was planned. Look at nature. Interesting isn't it? Most think that God is a man but assigned Mother Nature the task of looking after the physical world.
Behavioural differences between the sexes exist in most living creatures. Humans have developed some stereotyped roles for both sexes which can and should change but others are basic to nature. Surely there is no psychological conditioning in other species? The female lion was not "conditioned” by male chauvinist lions. The roving buck does not do battle with other bucks because he saw it on TV. Stallions don't jump fences to mount mares just to tell the boys about it over a few buckets of oats. These behaviours are in the genes.
I support 100 percent equality of opportunity; equal pay for equal work; eradication of sexual harassment (not simple flirtation) and of physical assault on women (and I guess men as well in some cases.) However I don’t see any need to expend any energy trying to make one sex more like the other. It would seem that having two different sexes with different characteristics has worked pretty well for millions of years for all living creatures.
Finally please don’t interpret this as my being anti-gay or anti-lesbian, or anti anything else to do with choice. All choices and feelings are increasingly accepted today as are complete sexual transitions. I just happen to be a heterosexual male and my experience in these matters has always involved females only.
My partner just read this before bed. Suddenly she has a headache. Hopefully she is just ribbing me.
Some things never change.
The Brewster

Saturday 10 March 2018

Steve Jobs and Apple

Steve Jobs: The Apple Coffin.

Most people would say that Steve Jobs was a creative genius. I would have to agree. He foresaw things that no-one else did and created innovative products to fill the needs none of the rest of us knew we had. Sadly he is no longer with us. What would be the latest Apple products in high demand if he were?

Having read the book about Steve Jobs of the same name, I have to admit that I am not a big fan. Pompous and spoiled come to mind.

The only Apple product I own is a mini Ipod Nano. I rarely use it for several reasons.
  1. It is too small
  2. It is in my opinion definitely not “intuitively obvious” to use.
  3. Steve had a thing about buttons. If you still have any influence Steve, give me back buttons and I will buy more of your products.
  4. Steve had a thing about user manuals. If you still have any influence Steve, give me back user manuals and I will buy more of your products.

I was left shaking my head when I finally found out - from a manual - that one of the features in the product was accessed by - shaking the product. Occasionally I still shake my head over that. An infant who has not yet learned to walk might have discovered this - they shake everything but an adult? Be honest and say no.

Its interface is really the prime reason I don’t use it. Here is a little anecdote which I hope depicts my feeling of frustration:

I have just attended the gravesite of a relative. I then wander around the cemetery and come upon a fresh grave. In fact the casket has not yet been lowered but there are no mourners - everyone has departed - poor choice of words.

Imagine my surprise when I realize that I can hear a soft muffled sound coming from within that very same coffin! I look around but I have wandered, it has started to rain, and there is no-one around. I approach the coffin and see a small logo - the Apple Logo. This is an Apple coffin!

I am in panic mode and trying to think very hard. Look for a latch! Then it hits me. This is a Steve Jobs creation - there is no latch. OK think. I know - TAP it. I tap the top - nothing. I tap the bottom - nothing. The muffled sound continues. I tap one side - then the other. I have tapped all four sides - nothing! The truth is, there really are no sides. Steve also had a thing about corners - no corners, hence really no sides. So I direct my contacts where I think a normal person would have placed sides.

I know! This is one of those TAP TWICE features. I repeat my actions once again tapping everywhere two times. Nothing. I try three times as the magic number - nothing! So now I run around the thing slapping it like I’m trying to knock it out once, twice, thrice - nothing! I repeat all of this KICKING the frickin thing - nothing.

Now what - I know! I try to "flick" it. Now I have never flicked a coffin but there I was - broke every nail I had in the process. Nothing! Correction - still muffled sounds. I walk around stroking the thing. Nothing. Now what Steve? Speak to me Steve! Just couldn’t have a nice little “Press here to open” anywhere could you bud?

Then I remember - SHAKE IT! You have to be kidding Steve. Oh well, worth a try. So I straddle the gravesite and almost break my back placing a bear hug around this coffin and hoist it up. I’m swinging the thing back and forth like a Rock ‘n Roll dance hoping now is not the time for someone to pass by. Nothing.

In total disregard for the situation I hoist the thing up as high as I can and slam it onto the ground! Nothing! Correction. The muffled sounds have now stopped. I struggle to replace it on its bed. I give you credit for a strong coffin Steve if nothing else. The poor individual inside might not agree however.

Should I report this? Is anyone going to believe me? Just one lousy button Steve - that’s all it would have taken. If this were a Microsoft / Bill Gates coffin, it would at least have had a START button. God knows why but it probably would have opened it. And if you were really that smart why isn’t there an inside release like the trunk of every car made today - just in case. Even children can open those!

I had to walk away. Blame this on another esthetically beautiful Steve Jobs creation - don't blame me. I wondered how many people Steve screamed at during its design? Sorry bud. No more Apple products for me.

The Brewster

Monday 29 January 2018

World Peace - and Skunks!

How SKUNKS could lead to Word Peace

One of the most vivid childhood memories I have involves skunks. Come to think of it, several of the most vivid and emotional adult memories I have involve the same thing, but the two-legged variety. Am  I alone?   

There was a valley in our neighborhood - a ravine - through which we walked to school. Dead-end streets existed on either side which were eventually joined. For many years however, the path which lead through it was simply known as the "gully". As with most gullies, there was a creek in the bottom and a swamp where it widened. We skated there. The ravine itself was lush with bushes - great for playing, hiding, exploring and that sort of thing. Nightfall was a different matter. 


Because it was isolated, and because like many kids I was afraid of the dark, it was not a place to be caught after the sun went down. I remember having to walk through it on occasion at dusk and once or twice in total darkness. I waited for all sorts of bogeymen to jump out of the bushes to get me. But foremost on my mind was skunks. The mere thought of one of these little creatures made me run for my life. They were a real live representation of all that was to be feared at night.
There were times of course after seeing a horror movie when thoughts of werewolves, Frankenstein, robbers and murderers  also made me run at the slightest sound. Skunks however were the only real nocturnal creatures I would occasionally see. In such a case I was upon them or vice versa before realizing it due to their dark color. Most parents train their kids to run like hell at the sight of a skunk. More power to them, since I have had to bathe my dog more than once after such an encounter. I wish I had been able to train her in a similar manner.

Now to the CREATION part. I am a believer in Darwin, Natural Selection etc. Let us assume however that there is a supreme creator. Of all the creatures on earth, what in heavens name - if that is where such a creator resides - could have possibly incented the inclusion of this little four-legged animal which lifts its tail to fend off attackers by emitting a pungent odour? This reminds me of the squid which emits black ink to hide itself. Naturally I’ve never encountered that. Why ink anyway? What is a squid going to do if attacked - write about it?

Creatures have built-in armor, strength, speed, camouflage, poison, or just plain ugliness to defend themselves. Skunks take the cake. Much as I love cake, if one of the little darlings ever made off with mine, I'd be the first to say "let it eat cake" and find another desert. I couldn't have dreamt up this animal if I were on drugs!  

I read once that only one part of this chemical in several million parts is all it takes to be detectable by a human being. Now you know why it is so tough to wash away - it lingers in and on anything it touches. For your information, there are shampoos now which can be used to clean pets that get sprayed. I am happy to say they work. I kept a bottle on hand (about $8.00) when I had a dog and had occasion to use it.    

The white stripes are a touch of class. If it were totally black, more people would probably get skunked. As it is, there is kind of a visual warning. Nature is like that. Think about it. Rattlesnakes, bees, dogs, cats, scorpions, ground hogs (they click their teeth), even human beings usually give warning before an attack. It's a kind of "Back off or else". The baboon family - closely related to humans - use their behind as an insult. Human beings often do the same thing. We call it "mooning". We consider the terms "asshole" and "horse's ass" to be insulting.

Now to World Peace.  

How did the creator miss the mark? All the great wars of history could have been avoided if human beings had tails and stripes. Instead of shooting, stabbing, slashing, and exploding each other to bits, the armies of the world could simply have faced off. The only ammunition required would be the last couple of meals. On the count of three or whatever, troops would simply turn around, lift their tails, show their stripes, and let fly. The most offensive collective odor would win the day. The military cooks would be the heroes. No-one would be killed. They would just blow each other away. Turning tail would be the norm, not a cowardly act. Perhaps this is why Scottish soldiers wear kilts?. Maybe Mel Gibson in Brave Hearts knew more than he was letting on. 

Right about now you are probably thinking that this is one columnist who has inhaled a touch too much skunk odor. You could be right for here is another thought. I happen to believe that when war is declared we should send entirely female armies. They could simply talk non-stop until one side surrendered. No killing would be necessary here either. On the other hand they might never make it to the front. After all, on each side,  the entire army would be wearing the same outfit! YIKES. I shudder at the thought. They would kill their own peers. Maybe not such a good idea. 

The Brewster

Monday 4 February 2013

Mother Goose - The Sequel

Canada Goose

Firstly, for the uninformed, the CANADA GOOSE is NOT an indigenous form of sexual grabbing in the land of the Mounted Police. No, the Canada Goose is a bird - a very large one. It is, however, not unique to Canada although I'm sure many nations wish that were the case.

There was a time when Canada geese spent the summer in Canada but come winter, they would migrate south to warm climates just like many other Canadians. Then however, I believe they learned how to work the system, also like other Canadians. They return once per year for a minimum stay to secure free medical treatment of broken wings, acute sunburn, annual checkups etc. Obviously no birth control pills. I understand that various provincial and federal governments are working independently (of course) on closing this flagrant rip-off of public funds. So far they appear to be failing. They are up against formidable competition – superior bird-brains.

Typically the white bibbed birds fly in a distinctive "V" formation in the sky. I used to think that this behaviour proved the intelligence of the bird - very strategic. Now however, I realise that Canada Geese should be flying in "C" formation. They are not after all Venezuelan Geese. Besides, if they were so smart they would just stay south where it remains warm thus obviating the weary flights. Then the Medicare would not be needed. Now it appears that most of them stay all winter as well.

It seems that there is a population explosion every year. Given their current numbers I suspect that all they ever do is … well … goose each other. There are MILLIONS of them. They put the rabbit to shame.  A goose has up to a dozen or more offspring. I have never actually seen two of them performing the act. It makes me wonder then – why is their population so immense?

My own theory is that the "act" takes place on water right before our eyes while they appear to be just floating. It certainly gives a new meaning to synchronised swimming! That would mean that the males are very skilled and very well endowed. At any given time several are constantly "honking" - a distinctive, horrible sound. I can't distinguish the male honk from the female one. Could it be that this is climactic delight - you know, the big “O”? Are they declaring that the lake moved?  I believe that when they are honking on land, what they are really saying is "How about a quick swim - a little dip in the pond if you know what I mean - nudge, nudge, wink, wink, honk, honk?

Many consider them to be magnificent at least in the sky - “C”, “V” or whatever. In fact, all aspects of their flight are fascinating - especially the take-off and landing and there are several documentaries on the subject. The distances they cover are truly amazing. In my opinion the magnificence ends there.

Like most birds and some humans, it appears that they never received toilet training. The characteristic green droppings are everywhere. I once spent just over 2 1/2 years in London England in the early 1970’s, and there were even large numbers of them in Hyde Park at that time. I was taken back when I detected a tone of annoyance in the normal English politeness, as I brought up the subject of my fellow flying Canadians in the famous park. Quite simply, they made a horrible mess. It was as though I was being blamed. I wondered if they thought that I might recklessly squat and attend to business on the grass myself. Bloody Colonials!

Geese are attracted to golf courses – lots of grass. Golfers hate them. Spectators hate them. Greenkeepers hate them. No doubt the feeling is mutual. Although I am sure it is good for the grass, green goose poop is not good for the golf shoes. Greens have become a little too green. Golfers have developed their own "goose step" as though the green were a mine field. Removing such obstructions before a putt is not a pleasant task.

Do geese live forever? I never see any dead ones - dead seagulls and other birds, but no dead geese. I suppose this is a good thing - I would not want to have one drop out of the sky and onto my head. They bring down airplanes. A long life expectancy would explain the numbers. One of the coldest winters I recall was 1993-1994. The geese were still here. How do they eat under such conditions? The grass is under several inches of snow and ice. The ponds and most rivers are frozen. Once again we see their intellect.

These Mother Geese have learned that in winter Canadians see them as homeless fellow citizens. We feed them. I suspect the birds also know about “landed immigrant status.” In their case however they can just land anywhere without the need for airports or immigration. Mark my words: it is only a matter of time before publicly funded goose housing projects are under construction. They will get the vote at this rate.

I have a suggestion. The next time there is an emergency call for food in some part of the world, try this. There was a Canadian with a lightweight aircraft who trained his geese to follow him. Unfortunately he has passed. But perhaps someone else could copy the idea and lead the damn things straight to the stricken area. Call it “Smart-Aid” - they will actually fly themselves to those in need and their plates. Heck, the recipients could collect the goose down and sell it back to us for winter clothing thus helping both economies. We get most of our goods from abroad now anyway. I do believe my own bird brain is on to something here.

There you have it - a full circle. My mother used to read Mother Goose tales to us. Now I am writing my own. The only thing missing is the "And they lived happily ever after.” That does seem to apply to Canadian Geese – not so much to the rest of us.

The Brewster