Saturday, 10 March 2018

Steve Jobs and Apple

Steve Jobs: The Apple Coffin.

Most people would say that Steve Jobs was a creative genius. I would have to agree. He foresaw things that no-one else did and created innovative products to fill the needs none of the rest of us knew we had. Sadly he is no longer with us. What would be the latest Apple products in high demand if he were?

Having read the book about Steve Jobs of the same name, I have to admit that I am not a big fan. Pompous and spoiled come to mind.

The only Apple product I own is a mini Ipod Nano. I rarely use it for several reasons.
  1. It is too small
  2. It is in my opinion definitely not “intuitively obvious” to use.
  3. Steve had a thing about buttons. If you still have any influence Steve, give me back buttons and I will buy more of your products.
  4. Steve had a thing about user manuals. If you still have any influence Steve, give me back user manuals and I will buy more of your products.

I was left shaking my head when I finally found out - from a manual - that one of the features in the product was accessed by - shaking the product. Occasionally I still shake my head over that. An infant who has not yet learned to walk might have discovered this - they shake everything but an adult? Be honest and say no.

Its interface is really the prime reason I don’t use it. Here is a little anecdote which I hope depicts my feeling of frustration:

I have just attended the gravesite of a relative. I then wander around the cemetery and come upon a fresh grave. In fact the casket has not yet been lowered but there are no mourners - everyone has departed - poor choice of words.

Imagine my surprise when I realize that I can hear a soft muffled sound coming from within that very same coffin! I look around but I have wandered, it has started to rain, and there is no-one around. I approach the coffin and see a small logo - the Apple Logo. This is an Apple coffin!

I am in panic mode and trying to think very hard. Look for a latch! Then it hits me. This is a Steve Jobs creation - there is no latch. OK think. I know - TAP it. I tap the top - nothing. I tap the bottom - nothing. The muffled sound continues. I tap one side - then the other. I have tapped all four sides - nothing! The truth is, there really are no sides. Steve also had a thing about corners - no corners, hence really no sides. So I direct my contacts where I think a normal person would have placed sides.

I know! This is one of those TAP TWICE features. I repeat my actions once again tapping everywhere two times. Nothing. I try three times as the magic number - nothing! So now I run around the thing slapping it like I’m trying to knock it out once, twice, thrice - nothing! I repeat all of this KICKING the frickin thing - nothing.

Now what - I know! I try to "flick" it. Now I have never flicked a coffin but there I was - broke every nail I had in the process. Nothing! Correction - still muffled sounds. I walk around stroking the thing. Nothing. Now what Steve? Speak to me Steve! Just couldn’t have a nice little “Press here to open” anywhere could you bud?

Then I remember - SHAKE IT! You have to be kidding Steve. Oh well, worth a try. So I straddle the gravesite and almost break my back placing a bear hug around this coffin and hoist it up. I’m swinging the thing back and forth like a Rock ‘n Roll dance hoping now is not the time for someone to pass by. Nothing.

In total disregard for the situation I hoist the thing up as high as I can and slam it onto the ground! Nothing! Correction. The muffled sounds have now stopped. I struggle to replace it on its bed. I give you credit for a strong coffin Steve if nothing else. The poor individual inside might not agree however.

Should I report this? Is anyone going to believe me? Just one lousy button Steve - that’s all it would have taken. If this were a Microsoft / Bill Gates coffin, it would at least have had a START button. God knows why but it probably would have opened it. And if you were really that smart why isn’t there an inside release like the trunk of every car made today - just in case. Even children can open those!

I had to walk away. Blame this on another esthetically beautiful Steve Jobs creation - don't blame me. I wondered how many people Steve screamed at during its design? Sorry bud. No more Apple products for me.

The Brewster

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