Friday 28 February 2020

Democratic Debate Mic Left On By Mistake

The Magnificent Seven; The Seven Wonders; or The Seven Dwarfs?

In the most recent Democratic debate, live on stage, somebody turned the microphones on too soon. It was not broadcast but is alleged to have gone something like this...

The Rest:
OK Bernie. No offence but the target is on your back tonight.
Bernie: You nitwits couldn't draw a target if you all got together and together is just not in your vocabulary.
Pete: When I was serving in the military, I hit more targets than...
Bernie: Ya, Ya, Ya, hail to BUTThead.
Pete: That's "BOOT", not BUTT
Amy: You're going to feel six boots tonight and they will all be on your BUTT.
Liz: You all sound worse than the kids I used to teach.
Joe: God help those kids ...
Tom: I thought we all agreed to ditch the sniping or we will all pay the price...
Liz: How about you and your moneybags buddy over there paying the price. You've both bought everything else!
Mike: Typical frickin bitch remark...
Amy and Liz: What did you just say Mayor Frisky-Frisk?
Pete: When I was serving in the military, when we heard misogynistic comments like that ...
Joe: Oh stick a mortar shell in it Pete
Moderators: OK guys, we are nearing air time. Bring it down a notch.
All: Oh stick a mortar shell in it! Good one Joe. Can't you see we're busy fighting here?
Liz: So purple suit. Why don't you just face facts and drop out for the rest of us?
Amy: At least I own a suit four eyes. Where'd you get that outfit - Target Boutique?
Pete: Speaking of targets, when I was serving...
Tom: OK Patton, we get it.
Amy: Before I was interrupted, I'm not folding. When they hear about my support in the Midwest...
Liz: News flash snowbird. Neither Carolina is part of the Midwest. By the way, since you are facing East right now, the part of you facing West could use a little more support...
Amy: Oh yeah Miss Native Minority Queen? Want to step outside? That war paint you're wearing isn't going to help you out there, or your military brothers.
Pete: OK guys. I'm taking bets. Could use a little boost in the funds.
Joe, Mike, Tom, Bernie: We're in. What are the odds on Liz?

Mike to self: I knew the claws would come out. Two down, four to go...


Thursday 27 February 2020

Corona Virus COVID-19

Can You Name 5-6 COVID-19 Precautions?

I have seen simple precautions we should all be taking now, published in many places, to help limit the spread of this potential killer and to help prevent contracting it.

I could list them here but you should look them up and PRACTICE them. I shake my head when I see people violating the obvious ones every day. I try to follow them, but even as I write I just scratched my eye and the side of my face. This is a no-no.

Every Seinfeld fan probably remembers the episode with his girlfriend's father. He owns a restaurant and cooks in it. While Jerry washes his hands at the sink in the men's room he sees the father leave a cubicle after doing his "business" and head straight out the door, tainted hands and all. He then handles Jerry's food with his bare hands.

I can't believe the number of times I have witnessed this very act (without the food prep. I hope.) The majority of men after using a urinal only hold their fingers under water for a few seconds and then wipe them thereby polluting the towel dispenser or the door handle! I hope women are better.

People sneeze, cough, pick their noses and bite their nails constantly. What chance do we have when all of these habits will spread it and anything else?

Here are a few more ideas :

- Perhaps this is happening already but employers should take the initiative and emphasize to all staff that coming to work if they show any symptoms of illness IS NOT AN OPTION and they will not suffer loss of pay.
- We should all be calling out the sneezers, those not washing hands etc.
- How about posting anonymous videos of violators. Maybe fear of being caught will work.
- Wearing surgical or other rubber gloves will help protect you (but will still spread the virus when gloves touch surfaces IF this virus is spread by contacting surfaces.)
- Don't shake hands or even fist pump.

- For sure don't do the kissy cheek thing
- Come down really hard on violators of safe hygiene practices in restaurants, bars, and pubs

- Don't have any form of sex under any circumstances. OK just testing to see if you are still with me.

Another thought: When we get over this, it seems to me there is a fortune to be made using today's technology by developing devices for the future. Here are some to get started:

- Move to making all doors touchless open / close by default
- Keep developing speech driven PCs and other electronic devices to eliminate finger use
- Make all washrooms touchless for washing, drying, door opening/closing including cubicles, tissue dispensing. We are making progress here. Same goes for showers and lockers in gyms and sporting facilities.
- Provide and encourage use of touchless hand sanitizers on public vehicles and private shopping facilities
- Research and develop efficient sanitizing devices (like UV) for virtually any surfaces. Use them for all personal devices and for cleaning your home, office, car, hotels etc.
- Make government awards available for developing such items

Feel free to comment below with any other ideas. This is serious stuff.



Wednesday 26 February 2020

Democratic Debate or UFC Free for All?

Are the Gloves Off or Were They ever On?

I watched another debate last night on CBS with seven Democratic candidates. Firstly I don't know who was in control - the candidates or the moderators. For sure the latter lost control.

When will the people who run these things finally get it? At times the debaters were like seven piranhas fighting for the last fish in the Amazon! Give them their allotted time, a warning, and then cut off the microphones after 10 seconds. They will soon learn to wrap up. I thought the moderators were the least impressive.

The jabs and belly punches got pretty bad. If they think they will ever unite after Super Tuesday when things will really be rocking they are hallucinating. If one ever faces off against Trump, all Trump has to do is replay some of the finer moments with a "You really think THESE people can run the country?" type comment.

I have said it before. It is time for a woman. Of the two, Klobuchar is by far the best on image, perceived energy and drive. Although no doubt smart, Warren still looks and sounds like a teacher.

Women have been cleaning up after men for centuries. Following Trump, two of them are probably needed.

Now wouldn't THAT shock 'em? President AND Vice President. I like the idea and have said so before. Unfortunately I have to wonder if they could get along for eight days let alone eight years.

So sad. Too bad. Thelma and Louise. Just keep 'em away from any cliffs.


Sunday 23 February 2020

Food for Thought

Thought for Food Maybe Not So ...

Here I go again, right off the top. I am seated in front of a PC on this free website where I can pretty much write or express myself in any manner I please. What will it be today? This is also without - I hope - concern for lawsuits, fines, or reprisals. I did get some hate mail once. What a fantastic freedom.

There are places of course where this is not the case. I happen to be in Canada. I wonder whether my neighbours to the south are as lucky anymore. If their current leader and the networks that support him have their way, maybe not.

The sad part however is that I only started to enjoy writing later in my life. I have no credentials or degrees in journalism etc. but at least have the right and freedom to try. My biggest problem is that today not many people want to read it. Naturally that could be because I am not a household name, have no following, and maybe I'm just not very good. I accept that but I think there is more to it.

Some solace can be gained by my awareness that long established newspapers and magazines are also having a tough time staying in business despite their sometimes famous writers. I suspect it is for the same reason. Loyal fans of those outlets still enjoy reading a newspaper but they are a dying breed. 

Younger audiences want news snippets and off the wall videos which they can experience in seconds and forward to their "friends" whom they might never have met. Tweets fit the bill and funny, outlandish stunts. 

I'm afraid that I am too late to talk about anything meaningful for more than a few sentences and nurture a following. I have to dumb it down or jazz it up. So no, expressing thoughts for food or any form of compensation is just not going to cut it. If you write it they will come is the stuff of movies but not blogs.

I should turn to lying through my teeth, grow outlandish hair, or wear a tie a foot longer than it should be. Look what it has done for others.


Saturday 22 February 2020

DEMS Demolishing Their Chances

Democratic Party Donkeys or Jackasses?

I am repeating myself but I am not as bad as the Democrats and CNN. You would think that this #2020 election would be a slam dunk for the Democrats. We thought that in 2016 and look what happened.

They want to defeat Trump. We all get that. We all want that. Sadly, they are not going to accomplish it. Here is my reasoning, which I have outlined before.

In short, people are sick and tired of the non-stop Trump bashing. It is not that we sympathize with POTUS - far from it. He needs to be sent packing. But the long term harping by the Democratic contenders and in particular CNN will almost ensure a Trump victory. The sad thing is - he knows it as well.

Both CNN and the Dems. are guilty of assuming that the general population is stupid. They are not. They might be apathetic, but most can see a good thing from a bad one. I believe that the best way to beat him is to redirect all of the dollars you waste trying to convince the electorate how bad and evil he is to proving just how good you and your policies are compared to his. Let the people see the difference

NOBODY wants to be lectured to - Bernie! Sure you need to point out the worst of the things he does but give us a break. I watch CNN a lot and by the time I see Don Lemon before retiring I have already heard it all before during the day. Same message, different dramatics. 

Both the Democrats and the network have criticized Trump repeatedly for tweeting and dwelling on the negative instead of reminding his people about the good things he thinks he has accomplished. So true!

But they have both spent almost 3 years doing the same thing. You need to change tactics guys.

You are shooting yourself in the hoof!


Friday 21 February 2020

Time for the Democrats' Moment of Truth

Rally 'Round the Nominee? Very Soon We Shall See!

For many months now we have heard leading Democrats say how important it is to beat Donald Trump at any cost. This is the number one goal. It has become a daily hue and cry.

Very soon they will all have their chance to put their support where their mouths are. As is always the case in both parties, the remaining nominees have the axes out against each other. The latest victim is of course Bloomberg.

The same Democrats and for sure yours truly were all over Republican Senators for selling out during the impeachment trial. You heard it all - no backbone; no conscience; letting down their voters; placing themselves first etc. I still agree with all of that.

Now however, the remaining Democratic Nominees will have to be reduced to one. Then we will see who has the courage of their convictions in the donkey party. They all want to win. Last night Erin Burnett on CNN tried to pin down Warren on whether she would support Bloomberg if he wins. I did not hear any resounding "Yes". (Burnett also tried to pin her down on accepting a large campaign contribution from a "Super PAC" which she has said she was against but Warren failed to say she would renounce the group.) Lack of backbone or just a little backtracking?

So will they all throw their support behind the winner - even if it is Bernie or Michael? Or will they continue the infighting and walk right into the Trump bear trap?

If they fail to support each other at the critical moment they will look like real Jackasses and not true Donkeys.


Tuesday 18 February 2020

Pardon Me Mr. President?

Pardons: Strength or Weakness?

Today we heard that President Trump has used once again his power to pardon individuals of his choice. This can be regarded as either a highly admired refinement to a system of government, or a leak in the hull of a great ship that needs repair. Wisdom or folly?

You can Google about all major pardons made by U.S. Presidents. I am restricting this to the Presidential power which can only apply to federal crimes against the United States. Take note: the one exception is impeachment, thank goodness. Similar powers belong to State Governors.

Many people are all over Trump for this and expecting him to do it again with Roger Stone. In fairness, many Presidents have used this power and often in controversial ways. Here is a list of past Presidents and their numbers of pardons, most to least:

This varies from Franklin D. Roosevelt with 2819 to George H. W. Bush with 74. Obama granted 212 of them.

I see it as a very visible black eye in the system. In my opinion the process should be changed. One person can be just too biased and often for the wrong reasons. Any pardon is usually preceded by a lot of study and assessment resulting in advice to the President. This is only reasonable. Apparently however, he or she can ignore all of this and you know who is famous for this.

My suggestion would be to have a vote in the Senate - one which is deliberately brief. It should also require a substantial majority - more like 80% in favour. From what I can see the last majority in the Upper House over 80% was back in the 1800s. This should ensure some representation on both sides. This way it would indeed be a combination of many opinions. Surely genuinely deserved cases could find a bipartisan audience.

Here is another approach and possibly a backup to the case where a party has a more than 80% majority. This would entail the Chief Justice simply drawing randomly an odd number (no ties) of Senators' names. Each person must vote either yes or no on each case. The details of each pardon would already have been defined. A committee would bear witness to the ballads being legitimate before any draw.

Changing the constitution is not easy as most anti gun people know. Surely there would be more of an even split on this change?

The Brewster

Monday 17 February 2020

The Founding Fathers (and Don McLean)

I Hope THIS Music Never Dies!

This post will be one of the easiest I have ever scribed. I only have to refer you to another website to hear a bit of brilliance. 

There you will hear and see a semi-animated song performed to the tune of Don McLean's "American Pie". The lyrics are apparently by one or more people who call themselves The Founding Fathers. This is very clever.

Every American should listen to this - even Republicans. Even HIM - no, not God, just the one who thinks he is God.

The website is below where you can also find the tune under "Videos"

Finally a bit of self-promotion. I wrote a video BEFORE the election in 2016 which I include here. I was actually golfing in Myrtle the night of the election, where I showed this to my golf partners. Mine uses "The Ballad of New Orleans".

Sunday 16 February 2020

Me Elton John

From His Own Eyes

My better half bought me the book "Me Elton John" (Henry Holt and Company, 2019) for Christmas. We both enjoy a lot of his music, especially the classic ones from his earlier years. This is my first very informal book review.

I hated doing them in school because I didn't read anything other than text books. I used to choose a book which had a "Classic Comic Book" version and do my review based upon that! I always got a passing grade. Today I enjoy reading but this is probably my first biography, auto or otherwise.

I was introduced to Elton's music when I worked in England from 1972 to 1974 and he had become very popular. There everyone watched "Top of the Pops" somewhat like American Bandstand but a lot more flamboyant. Elton fit right in.

Before any notion or indication (to me anyway) that he might be gay, he was just an over the top showman, perhaps a more modern Liberace. (Yes, there is also another parallel.) The wild outfits, boots, hats and glasses were just for show or so it seemed.

It is for certain very insightful and candid. He gets into all of the topics that might me considered taboo by many. He does not really address his gender or sex life until well into the book. I had no idea what he was going through when I lived there or for many years after. Now I do. He covers his many addictions from drugs to drink to shopping and hoarding, clothes, dominating those around him and football to name a few. It would appear that the costumes were just another.

He dwells a lot on his family and upbringing and you can understand how this drove him to fame. His mother was a huge factor in his adult life but not his father. They remained estranged with rare exception, until his father's death. There are also lots of tidbits about other stars he came to know with just enough detail to astonish. Although outspoken about many of these, where he made a commitment to secrecy as was the case with his short term female wife, he honours such trusts. One of the world's favourite celebrities - Lady Di - is featured later in the book. There are some great stories.

To be honest I have not yet finished it. I certainly will. My only real criticism - and again I have read no other biographies with which to compare his - is the somewhat rambling nature of the flow. It goes back and forth chronologically a lot. I would have preferred a more organized journey through his life. Then again his entire career and temperament were all over the map so perhaps that is just his true character coming out.

I would recommend it although the $38 Canadian is a little steep. I have no doubt there will be a movie so if you prefer you can wait for that. He will profit either way.

Don't worry Mr. Dwight. The sun will not soon go down on you.

The Brewster

Saturday 15 February 2020

AG William Barr and President Trump

Pushback or White House Distraction

My last post received more views than any other. It was about DJT and General John Kelly. I'm not sure if it was just the search engines catching the names in the title or that my reference to God Bless America struck a nerve.

I hope it was the latter. So this time I hope a reference to AG Bill Barr accomplishes the same.

He has recently made public statements about his feelings that any President should not interfere with the DOJ. It sounds brave. It sounds like someone close to the President is actually showing the kind of courage exhibited by Mitt Romney. Is it true? If so he deserves credit.

Many say this is just another clever White House distraction to both lend some badly needed credibility to the AG and to take attention away from more nebulous White House activity. Either way I refer once again to the powerful emotions stimulated by music.

This time look up and read the lyrics to "America the Beautiful", especially the rendition by Ray Charles. Focus on "And crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to shining sea". Do you think Katharine Lee Bates would write the same words today? I doubt it.

Here is another thought for November 2020:

DOJ normally stands for Department of Justice. Justice is supposed to be impartial. The image that depicts it involves a figure holding a balance or scale. It is even. Perhaps DOJ now has a new meaning?

How about "Donald's Own Justice" or "Department of Jury-rigging"?

The Judiciary is supposed to be one of three main elements of the US system of government from the Supreme Court on down. Allow POTUS and any of his Republican cronies to re-define that and you have just re-defined America. 

The rest of the world sees this. We hope the vast majority of Americans do also - especially in November!

The Brewster

Tuesday 11 February 2020

Where Were You When President Trump was ...

Memories of 2016 and 2020

If we were alive most of us remember where we were and what we were doing when the following occurred:

  • JFK was assassinated
  • Man landed on the moon
  • They started knocking down the Berlin wall (maybe not)
  • The Twin Towers were attacked
  • You had sex for the first time (OK - just seeing if you got this far)
  • Donald J. Trump was elected initially
Here are 2 for the future:

A. Donald J. Trump was re-elected
B. Donald J. Trump was voted out (YOUR FIRED!)

Every American citizen who can and will vote now has the chance to create one of those moments!

It is not my place to tell them what to do, but I think I can say which one most people in the rest of the world want it to B !

The Brewster

Sunday 9 February 2020

Amy Klobuchar

Make the Presidency Great Again

If America wants to be great again in the eyes of the world it is time to come out of the dark ages. Elect a female President! (That goes for my fellow Canadians also. Kim Campbell does not really count).

Here are some great ones: 

  • Indira Ghandi - India
  • Margaret Thatcher - Britain
  • Benazir Bhutto - Pakistan
  • Julia Gillard - Australia
  • Golda Meir - Israel
  • Jacinda Ardern - New Zealand
I have always said that it is easier for a woman to tone down the warmth and get tough when it is necessary than it is for a man to tone down the macho and turn on the warmth when it necessary.

I can think of no better example. Amy Klobuchar can do both. Donald Trump can not. Perhaps John Kennedy and Ronald Reagan could but DJT doesn't know the meaning of warmth. Taking your jacket off on the golf course does not count.

Amy Klobuchar is the winning lottery ticket that all Americans don't know they have. Just sign it and turn it in!

The world will thank you. Those who wanted to change the Washington establishment with Trump should be seeing the error of their ways by now.

Fix it in November. Everyone will soon learn how to pronounce her name - even my spell checker will recognize it!

The Brewster

Saturday 8 February 2020

Go Ahead – Make My Day

A Compliment can be the Perfect Complement

Friday last I was just starting my workout at a local gym which I attend four times per week. Fridays I happen to begin with more stretching than usual. I should do it every time.

A brief history: in my educational background because I began kindergarten when I was four and skipped grade four, I was always the youngest and usually the smallest in my class. In grade nine high school the physical education teacher announced that the school was offering new sets of Weider weights - 110 pound set - for those who might be interested. They cost $25.

I immediately spent some of my meagre savings on a set and three to four nights per week devoted myself to body building. I had no intention of becoming the local tough guy or creating some Arnie like body but I was definitely at a disadvantage when it came to girls!

By the time I graduated which in our case was grade 13, I had already received some compliments. They meant a lot to me.

I took the set with me to my university residence and used them occasionally but not as often,

Fast forward to today. Throughout my career they sat at home and rusted (no vinyl in those days, just clangy metal with crude collars that tightened with a wrench.) For many years now however, especially since retirement I work out Monday/ Tuesday and Thursday/Friday resting Wednesday and the weekend.

So as I am about to start on a floor mat, a guy whom I have seen there for some time and who is in pretty good shape addressed me - “Excuse me?”. I anticipated that maybe I had taken his spot on the mat but that was not the case. He said he just wanted to compliment me on my condition and workouts and said he noticed it for some time. He continued saying that my muscles, shape, and flexibility were really great and he just wanted to let me know.

He left out the “… for your age …” piece that I was expecting! I am somewhere north of 70 so it felt good. It has actually happened several times before when they usually did ask my age.
It makes my day hence the heading – it was the perfect complement to my day and my workout. 

So go ahead – make somebody’s day by paying them a compliment. It will cost you nothing and so far it is not taxable to the recipient!

Another thing that is free is a blood donation which can actually save a life. I will address this in another posting.

The Brewster

Thursday 6 February 2020

Like A Catcher’s Mitt, He Caught A Bouncing Ball.

A Man Among Mice

Back in 2008 when Mitt Romney ran for President I have to say I considered him just like all other politicians. I had little respect. I thought him a little too polished and smarmy. When he went up against Trump and lost but then considered working for him my respect almost disappeared.

I stand corrected.

It took real intestinal fortitude – guts – to stand alone as a Republican and vote for conviction of DJT. The brief speech he made to explain his decision was moving and very well spoken. He displayed more integrity and intelligence in those few moments than Trump did in his entire eighty minute State of the Union address. He will pay for it. He knows it.

He is now in my opinion a man to be respected. President Trump is not.

If the electorate gets a chance to vote this man to the highest office in the land I suggest they should do so. That is to say, if all of his smarmy peers don’t manage to blackball him first.

Of all the speeches and intercourse (yes, that is the appropriate word) I have heard since the impeachment began, this was the best of the bunch. Why did he wait so long? He had to know it was too late to foster a guilty verdict.

OK. My suspicions are not completely overcome. Just the same, well done Mitt. Your colleagues have been put to shame. I hope when they confess that their priests are as brave as you.

The Brewster

Wednesday 5 February 2020

State of DisUnion Address

Fate of the Union Address

I think this famous presidential speech should be renamed. In the heading and title above are two suggestions.

After listening to the Trump Dump for almost 1 1/2 hours, I can't help myself. It is rhyme time.

My fellow Americans 

(left prompter)

It's time once again, in this hallowed hall,

(no LEFT Donald - the one with the wedding ring)

To tout the great things that I - that WE - do.
To the House and the Senate, Vice-President Pence,
And that woman in white next to you.

(right prompter)

I am the greatest POTUS of all,
Kennedy, Reagan - the bunch.
I am so great that I could knock out
Muhammad Ali with one punch.

You said I'm a king - tried to topple my throne,
The press and the Dems and the Feds.
Your metaphor failed - permit me to try:
One by one I'll have all your heads.

(left prompter)

Unemployment? The lowest it ever has been.
The stock market soars when I blink!
My Generals, my cabinet, the press, the U.N?
I don't give a damn what they think.

(right prompter) 

Obama's eight years I've surpassed in three.
My IQ sets me apart.
I talk to God - he knows a good thing.
And listens because I are smart.

The Speaker behind me offered her hand.
Meant to appease me I bet.
The only thing, that she has on me
Is a crush since the first day we met.

(look to the centre - can you handle that?) Hey prompter guy. YOU'RE FIRED!

Attempts to remove me were a big bust.
Their case just marks on a blotter.
Let them eat crow and then humble pie
And watch Donald J. walk on water.

To voters and fans whether black, brown, or white.
I promise you all a fair start.
In front of the world I pledge this to you,
In truth with my hand o'er my heart!

(other side Mr. President. other side!)

... o'er my heart!

And now as I leave, you may touch my ring or ask for my autograph. 
We take both credit and debit. No receipts.

Tuesday 4 February 2020

State of Disunion and Iowa Caucus

Is The Fix In?

Remember Trump in 2016? "The system is RIGGED!" Is the Iowa caucus rigged? Will DJT bring it up in the State of the Disunion Address? I am guessing yes!

Should be a roaring time. We can only hope he will go off prompt and therefore off the planet. Seldom does this help him.

No matter what it has not been a good few months for Democrats. If you are going to play poker in the big leagues listen to Kenny first. "Know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em." Just like poker if you have a great hand you can't show it early and you only get to play it once. Make it good. The Dems. didn't. They let too many people see it including the opposition. They got Trumped which is even more shocking since there is no such thing in Poker.

I hear there is a new game in November. Take some Poker lessons ladies and gents. Choose wisely who will be sitting at the table. After last night things don't look good. The pot is huge. Don't give it away again.

The Brewster

Monday 3 February 2020

Stocks to Pick When Trump is Acquitted

Trump and the Market

This will be short and sweet.

Many people attribute recent health in the stock market to Donald J. Trump. I don't agree but there is no denying that it has been on a good run.

If you want to make your fortune riding the market wake of DJT, consider something. There is one very special segment which is bound to soar. It is within the pharmaceuticals - specifically any company which manufactures sleeping pills or sleep aids.

Every Republican Senator who sold his or her soul at this trial or is about to do so will need sleeping pills. So will their spouses. It is the only way I can imagine them getting any sleep at night.

No there are not that many Senators but they will need a lot of them. Given the total lack of ethics we have witnessed, one of them is bound to see another opportunity and become a spokesperson for one of these companies, relating their recent personal experience. When they admit they are having trouble getting to sleep everyone will believe them. If they are contrite enough, they might even get re-elected.

A second choice might be Wimpy's  Diner where I'm sure they all eat.

Buy now, then sell out at the right moment - just like they did.

The Brewster

Saturday 1 February 2020

The Perfect Call

The OJ call to DJ

R-r-r-r-ing R-r-r-r-ing
"White House. How can you help us?"
"This is OJ. Let me speak to DJ."
"Sir. This is the office of The President of the United States."
"I know that babe. Just put me through to DJ."
"Sir, I don't know who you think you are. How DARE you speak to me like that!"
"No babe, you don't know who you're speaking to or you would not speak to me like that. Now put me through sister."
"Who are you? How did you get this number?"
"Just tell him it's OJ. We go way back. He's golfing isn't he? That's why I called his cell."

"One moment whoever you are."

Dingle Dingle ... Dingle Dingle 

"I'm golfing here! I just missed my putt! This better be good. YOU'RE FIRED!"
"Sir there is an 'OJ' on the line who says you go way back"
"On the secure line?"
"No Sir. This is your cell. You only have a secure line in the Oval Office"
"I'M IN THE OVAL OFFICE NITWIT. By the way, go and look at yourself in the mirror! Put him through."
"Hey DJ. How's it goin' man?"
"This is NOT a Quid Pro Quo. It is a perfect call"
"Say what? This is OJ man. What gives?"
"Sorry Buddy. Oops. I mean you got me Buddy. I never say 'Sorry.' What can you do for me OJ? "
"Just called to say conrats man. Ain't this just the greatest country Dude?"
"Not before ME OJ. I made America GREAT again. Nobody else could do that."
"Er-r-r-r if you say so DJ. But also I have something for you."
"NEVER say that OJ. NEVER. This is NOT a Quid Pro Quo. This is a PERFECT call. I.m running late here OJ so keep talking!"
"Remember the glove thing? I've still got them man - the real ones! They are worth a fortune on Amazon. They will finance your entire campaign."
"This is NOT a Quid Pro Quo. It is a PERFECT call. You were saying?"
"That's it DJ. But before I give them up there is just one little thing. I'd like ... wait now. My lawyer says 'we'd' like a little favor."
"NEVER say that OJ. NEVER. This is NOT a Quid Pro Quo. This is a PERFECT call. I'm listening."
"They tell me you can grant pardons ... to anyone."
"NEVER say that OJ. NEVER. This is NOT a Quid Pro Quo. This is a PERFECT call. I'm going to give you a number - my lawyer's. Call him. There might be a short hold - I mean pause  but be patient."
"OK man. We should throw a few sometime out in the yard"
"Your yard or mine?"
"Yours dude. I can throw a Kleenex out of bounds in mine these days."
"FYI OJ, I know more about football than Payton Manning and you combined. I have thrown the most touchdowns and have completed more running plays than anyone in the history of football. Call that number. I'll have somebody speak to him."
"Thanks DJ."
"NEVER say that OJ. NEVER. This is NOT a Quid Pro Quo. This is a PERFECT call. By the way whatever you are doing now? YOU'RE FIRED."
"I'm not employed."
"I can do anything. Didn't you hear? I am a King now." 

"You know what DJ? Never mind. You can have the gloves anyway. They're too big these days."


"OJ? … OJ? ...I had the biggest inauguration EVER. Way bigger than Obama's. You hear me OJ? ... OJ?"

Ping Ping ... Ping Ping

"Get that guy back on this phone STAT!"
"You fired me dipstick. Call him yourself! You just press those little square numbers in the middle ... AFTER you hang up ... like THIS."


The Brewster