Stoop and Scoop

Bring Back the Pillory

I was a dog owner, and a pretty responsible one. Whenever I see fellow owners who fail to clean up after their pets, I'm fit to be tied. In my opinion, so are they. There is NO excuse. This makes my blood boil. It also stimulates my creative side - I invent new swear words and punishments.

I have categorized the violators, as follows:

THE MIDNIGHT SKULKER: These people operate under cover of darkness - the most cowardly of them all. They let it fall anywhere - your front lawn, the sidewalk - it matters not. My fondest wish is that two of them pass at night on a walkway, exchange greetings, and then step in each other’s mess before they reach home.

THE MOBILE MARAUDER: This is another cowardly type. They drive to another neighbourhood, (often at night making them MOBILE MIDNIGHT SKULKERS), let their dog out to do its thing, and then speed off upon its return. If they see you they turn out their car lights until they are far enough away that licence numbers can't be seen. My secret desire here is that I could be fast enough to pick up the offending pile on a stick and be able to fling it at the retreating vehicle scoring a direct hit. I envisage it remaining there to be baked by the sun until the next car wash. It would be like The Scarlet Letter - an indication that a true scum is driving the car.

THE MINDLESS MASTER: Mr. or Mrs. Forgetful, when challenged points out that he/she forgot their plastic bag or other form of scooper. I sympathize. It has happened to me. So I carry a spare for these pathetic beings. At that point, they usually mention a bad back. For repeat offenders I’d love to offer them a bag I have already used for my dog. They might continue to forget their own bag but once they put their hand inside they most definitely would remember the experience. 

THE DELIBERATELY FLAGRANT: These people delight in allowing their dog to do it right under the largest and most prominent signs intended to discourage same. If the dog hits the signpost itself I guess they give themselves extra points. Some do it with you and others watching. I am usually speechless when this happens, especially if their dog is bigger than me.

THE SIDEWALK SICKIE: You guessed it - right in the middle of the sidewalk. There is only one worse (see next category). If you are walking with someone else and not watching where you are stepping, your Hush Puppies become Mush Puppies! A person can’t be much more ignorant. One of these times I will quickly clean up their mess myself, and then follow them home. I can’t wait to empty the bag on their stairs - smearing it all over them. An alternative is an old one – light it aflame on their threshold and then ring the bell and run.

THE SCHOOLYARD SCATTERBRAIN: I can not imagine how anyone can be quite so stupid and selfish. To leave a dog's crap in the middle of a schoolyard where children walk and play should be punishable by prison. Time behind bars would be appropriate, but time performing community service would be more useful. I know just the chore - cleaning up after all the other low lives outlined herein.

THE OLDER COUPLE /  MOP DOG DUET: You all know this one - an elderly couple, talking right to you while their yappy little mutt drops one right under your nose. "Oh Cuddles, you BAD thing you". However, that's as far as it goes. Maybe they really DO have difficulty bending over. However there are several devices to spare the stooping and still do the scooping! I could tolerate these if we could eliminate all the rest. I wonder how many seniors are laughing together as they read this, realising that I'm on to them? My mother and father in their more senior years still managed to do the right thing. 

THE PLASTIC FACADE: It is near impossible to catch these types. Carrying plastic bags like me, they actually fill it while in your presence. They might even discuss the overall problem and how disgusting it is to them too. Then on the way home when no-one is watching, they ditch the bag - anywhere. If there is no convenient trash bin the right thing to do is to take it home and deal with it. They will never do this.

Last, but not least:

THE GREAT PRETENDER: Always at a distance, even in the rain, they make an inordinately visible effort to bend over and scoop, bag, brush or whatever. Upon closer inspection, however, you find that they left the poop right where it fell! They deserve Oscars if nothing else. I often think that I should likewise pretend not to notice, pick up the mess when they are not watching, and throw it at them as they walk away. I would steadfastly deny involvement if they pursued me, suggesting instead that a higher power might be punishing them for their crime.

How can we deter these lowlife creatures? What are appropriate and effective punishments for offenders? One idea has already been mentioned, and that is to have the person(s) do community service cleaning up doggy poop locally. They should also be made to wear a suitable form of identification while performing just like the chain gangs in the southern states. A sweat shirt with a big “I’M A POOP” on it front and back would be good. Repeat offenders could be tattooed in such a manner.

The publication of the names of prostitutes’ "Johns" has already been tried with some degree of success. This would be very effective in local newspapers. Compulsory “I’m a POOP” bumper-stickers are another possibility.

A final thought for the Sidewalk Sickie or the Schoolyard Scatterbrain - bring back the pillory. It is extreme but apparently necessary since signs and common sense are not working. Instead of tomatoes and the like however, guess what the general public would throw at them! An ample supply of ammunition would come from the other offenders, having completed their public clean-up service. Newspaper photos would provide a crowning touch.

If any of you have ever had the misfortune of stepping unknowingly into Pluto's plop, there are few experiences more disgusting. Well, maybe one. It happened to me as a child. I was barefooted and the dog was a cow.

Bring back the Pillory!

The Brewster