Pet Peeves

What are some of your pet peeves?

Here are some of mine to get things going:

OFFICE LUNCHROOM PIGS

Do you think that those who share your lunchroom, leave a mess on the counter and in the microwave and never throw out their garbage get away with that at home? I doubt it.

You know all of those lunch bags packed into the fridge where your fresh food is? Think about where they have been sitting:
- on the floor including washrooms, cars, and public transit to name a few
- on the ground or sidewalk
- on the dirty countertop
- on car and transit seats
- up against other filthy bags in the fridge and on its dirty shelves

Also they are way too big to fit in there - it leaves little room in the fridge. I know it is inconvenient but shouldn't people really unpack them and then place their contents in the fridge?

When is the last time you washed and sanitized yours thoroughly? (I meant your lunch bag!)? 

OFFICE BATHROOM PIGS
I don't know about the ladies but I have to wonder if many of my male colleagues were born and raised in a barn.

There is often: human waste of both types on the seat and on the floor. Certain types and faiths are so hung up on hygiene they cover the seat with tons of tissue or paper towels and then either a) leave it there or b) try to flush it and plug the toilet. You can just imagine the mess that causes. Then there are the constant wads of gum and wrappers in the urinals; paper towels all over the floor; and flooded countertops which no one will soak up. Lest I forget whiskers and spit in the sink.

And yes, guys still exist who do there seated business and then walk straight out without washing their hands. This happens at the office and the gym and the scary thing is, they probably DO get away with it at home!

CHEAP SCENTS

Ladies and gentlemen: More of a cheap scent simply does not make it better. A little dab of expensive perfume or after shave (if any men still use it) is WAY more sexy and alluring then splashing on or bathing in the cheap stuff! Sometimes it is even worse than a very minor, musky scent of perspiration. A damp finger tip merely touched to a few other places is all that is needed. Please!

IN YOUR FACE PEOPLE

A good, spirited, face to face conversation can be very enjoyable. Not so when the other party is constantly in your face. They can't make their point without being a foot from your face and probably do a lot of touching and shoulder tapping as well. Back off bud! If I have to wear my reading glasses to see your blurry face or if I smell your coffee breath you are too close!

ALUMINUM FOIL AND CELLOPHANE ROLLS

Don't you just hate those foil rolls that don't peel off the roll evenly? By the time you realize there is a strip of missing foil from what you tear off it is near impossible to strip it away. Likewise at the end of the roll you would think they could find a way to wind it without gluing the last bit to the cardboard. 

The same goes for cellophane. It would also be nice if what you tear off does not cling to itself. C'mon engineers and chemists!

SLIPPERY MATTS

Shouldn't it be mandatory that all floor matts are non-slip? These can be very dangerous. I can buy rubber pads to place underneath but why should I have to?

SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE DEATH

Come again? Which of these companies actually think I will buy and try their product? I know - talk to my doctor first. You mean the same one you pay for recommending your product? 

ONLINE ADVERTISING

What are some of the worst types of unsolicited ads online? One of my dislikes are those which have video and sound but they only start when you scroll down and they are in view catching you by surprise. Hint to Advertiser: I can't name ONE of these because I can't get rid of them fast enough - you are wasting your time. They usually stop once you scroll past them. On a positive note I credit the ones that say you can SKIP the ad in so many seconds. Some tell you how long the interruption will be so you can decide to go elsewhere or wait.

Let's face it - advertising just like TV and radio pays the bills. Just stop trying to fool be with pop-ups I can't avoid. 

VISCIOUS TOILET LID COVERS:

As a man whenever you are visiting someone and try to do the right thing by lifting both the toilet lid and the seat there it is - some cutesy freshly laundered lid-cover that causes the seat to come crashing down in the middle of nature’s call! Ladies, if you are going to cover the toilets with fleece or whatever, let us first give it a test run. Besides, toilets are full of dampness and odors. Toilet covers absorb both. I know it must be a total shock if we leave the seat and lid up and while you are texting, or drinking, or thinking, you end up (OK end down actually) with your tush on the cold porcelain and then in the water. But what about us? Things just get flowing nicely and BAM – down crashes the seat. If our plumbing is still intact, we just woke the entire household and went all over the seat anyway when we tried to avoid it! Bad idea ladies.

METAL COAT HANGERS: 

They ALWAYS get tangled. You can put them back as neatly as possible. It is inevitable however that when they hit a certain critical number - the empty ones - they will get more inter-twined than snakes in a pit. I used to collect them for recycling at the cleaners. I’d lay them all out in a row in the car, but upon arrival they would once again be tangled up. I’m sure the cleaners just tossed them. I even resorted to tying them with twist-ties. This worked, but it just simplified the task of tossing them for the same cleaners. They are impossible to fold up neatly for disposal and always poke their way through the side of a garbage bag. 

MOVIE SOUND EDITING 
You would think with all of the technology and special effects in movies today that a producer or editor could find a way to create the subtle effect of a whisper in a film without making it impossible to hear the actor. I hate having to constantly replay something just to hear a couple of sentences that some director thought was a cool bit of dramatic effect. It is inevitably a critical bit of dialogue when this happens. Then you have to crank the volume back down again. How about displaying text when the dialogue is too soft to hear? In a theatre there is no replay.

While we are solving this problem, could you solve the reverse - TV commercials which are broadcast at twice the volume of the program they are supporting. If they can bleep out live expletives before they are broadcast then they can monitor pre-recorded commercials and do the same thing.

PLASTIC CONTAINERS 

I don’t know if this is the right term but I am referring to those clear, thin, rigid plastic containers used most frequently in the baking departments of supermarkets. They usually contain muffins and cookies. This has to be one of the worst contributors to environmental waste.

Firstly, they are not tightly sealed so they really only act as a means of conveying or containing the goods, not keeping them fresh. Secondly they are impossible to crush. I try to do so under my foot several times. In addition to spreading crumbs all over the floor, they always manage to slowly rise partially back to their original shape like the villain in that Arnold movie. The worst thing is that they make a horrible crinkle sound as they rise and usually do so in the garbage bag in the middle of the night! Many is the time I have thought there was a burglar in the house. 

Another of course is the tough plastic wrapped item like a toothbrush or a piece of electronic equipment. You need bolt cutters to get into these things. Most people use a sharp knife often cutting themselves

BIRD DROPPINGS

There is a kid’s rhyme which goes: 

          Birdie Birdie in the sky

          Dropping whitewash in my eye

          But I’m not worried, I don’t cry

          I’m just glad that cows don’t fly! 

How do bird’s always manage to hit your car from on high? Why is it always right after you wash it despite weeks of reprieve in the bombing raids? Is it deliberate? Are gulls protesting the fate of their barnyard cousins? These are questions of deep import.

I do wonder however if they have some inherent technology which enables their astonishing accuracy just as bats have radar. If you saw the movie “The Dambusters”, you will recall the simple system of two angled spotlight beams converging on the ground to indicate the correct drop altitude of a low-flying bomber.

This analogy has more significance than you think. My bungalow has a 3-4 foot overhang around it and several floor-to-roof window panes. Birds still manage to hit my window at the top. It has to carry several feet laterally. I would love to capture this on video. No, I would love to capture the perpetrators.

LITTERBUGS 

Few things demonstrate the selfish, lazy, inconsiderate, swine like behavior of humans more than these people. Top of the list are gum chewers who just spit it out anywhere but most commonly on walkways. Just look on any public sidewalk in a downtown area and you will see tens of thousands of round black spots – dried gum. It is near impossible to remove it from the concrete. Usually this is in sight of a litter container. As most of us know – good luck if you tread on it and try to remove it from your shoe or clothing. These people should be shot on sight. 

On my way to work one morning on a road that quickly entered farmland north of a housing area, I turned a corner an found an entire wooden rowboat on the shoulder. Barely out of sight someone dumped it. Near it were garbage bags, leaf bags and many other things. What pigs live among us.

SEAT HOGS 

Funny – there is another pig reference. When did it become acceptable to stay seated on public transit when right beside you is a pregnant woman, senior person having trouble walking or standing, handicapped person etc.? If you are able bodied, offer the seat. End of conversation. Not quite. Selfish bastards!

SELFISH / BAD DRIVERS

This one deserves its own book. Those of us who drive know that we are all better drivers than everyone else with whom we share this privilege - and it IS a privilege.
I have already written about cell phones and driving under "Social Issues." Here are but a few of the most aggravating for me:

- refusing to use turn indicators for anything
- turning left or right from your current lane into another one two or more away. Staying in your right or left lane is the rule no matter whether you want to take another immediate exit or not. If you miss it too bad. Come back.
- selfish people who refuse to let you in to merge, even at high speed. This is gambling with peoples' lives.
- essentially ignoring STOP signs or right turns on a red by just slowing down rather than stopping.
- ignoring pedestrian crossings or pedestrians in general
- idiots who think they are skilled high speed drivers. Unless they have been professionally trained, they are not.
- tailgaters - a must have on any such list.
- one of the most dangerous other than cell phone hands on users is the red light runner. For these people there is no yellow light.
- winter drivers who just don't understand that perhaps 4-wheel drive allows you to accelerate faster but it does not allow you to stop any faster.

SCREAMING ON FEMALE TALK SHOWS

There are several talk shows my other half enjoys - a few Canadian and a few more American. One common element is the ear-piercing screaming that seems to be mandatory to attain a seat in the audience. She was in attendance once and confirmed that there were signs held aloft to stir applause at appropriate times. However these shows sound and look like teenyboppers at a rock concert - or a war cry as the battle begins. I live in fear that our windows or crystal will shatter any moment! It carries on for ages. In addition whenever a panel member makes a contribution to a particular topic however inane, there is another huge round of clapping. These panelists are paid to be there - to talk! Give us a break. It is seldom profound.

Now let's hear from some of you.

Affairs - It Takes Two to Tango.

Affairs - Men vs. Women

This is an appeal to women everywhere. I would like to hear answers to the question posed in the title.

There is no question that women have had a raw deal throughout history. They did and still do most of the domestic chores and child rearing. Men have always used the old cop out that it is simple biology. They are more "suited" for it. My personal opinion - that is BULL. Lots of men today have proven otherwise. They share housework, cooking, and parenting with their wives. Many single men and all male couples do the same. The number of men willing to share needs to grow.

Women were not "persons" and could not vote. They were not encouraged to be doctors or lawyers or airline pilots and were not admitted to the institutions that controlled those disciplines. Thankfully many of those attitudes have disappeared as well.

We need more female national leaders - I firmly believe that.

Men's attitudes to women and sex have also been totally out to lunch. Too many single guys - and married ones also - see a date as a box office ticket to sex. Many true low lives even use drugs and chemicals to achieve this. These men have crawled out from under a rock.  On a similar level with these, are men who use their superior position in employment situations to do the same. The "Me Too" movement was overdue.

There is still an attitude - I believe more in the USA than elsewhere - that carving notches in your bedpost even after marriage is what men must do to prove their manhood. I can still "get" a woman. I still have it. Marriage vows be damned. These men need to grow up.

OK. Hopefully you get my drift. And by the way, I don't drift. But I would REALLY like to know why so many women are guilty of certain behaviours for which men are trashed.

A classic example - unfortunately for him - was the Tiger Woods scandal. There are lots of others - politicians and "celebrities." When it broke, the rumours were that he had cheated with something like ten or twelve women. For weeks - literally - my wife listened to female talk shows on which this was the daily topic. They always asked "Why are men such bastards?"

Here goes. Why ladies did all of your sisters sleep with him? They KNEW it was wrong but they did it anyway. They cheated on his wife and kids just as much as he did and in some cases they probably cheated on their own spouse, partner, or kids. Tiger was not their boss, teacher, or priest. I never heard that he forced them or gave them drugs. What was their rationalization?

Never did I hear an entire show devoted to this question. If you are going to generalize and refer to men as bastards, then permit me to ask why were so many women sleazy? They cheated on one of their own. What's more, it is the same for any such scandal even if there is only one man and mistress involved.

Women imply they are in some way holier than men and yet I hear no explanation. It always takes two to dance that particular Tango and like any other dance request, they can say NO.

Therefore on a scale of sleaze, to me this has men scoring 1 but women scoring 10 or 12 - the gold medal.

Over to you ladies. Rational explanations now gratefully accepted.

The Brewster

ET Wants to Come Home

“Beam me up Scotty - Stat!  ET wants to come home.”

I have often thought how absolutely nonsensical we earthlings would appear to an alien – any alien. Even if this were a scheduled follow up visit for them, they would surely be shaking their heads in dismay.

I could fill this space entirely with references to our southern neighbour's new administration and all that goes with it. However heads are already shaking around the globe over that. Enough said. To be fair, I could do that for a lot of countries and their governments.

Imagine some of the reports back to UFO H.Q. wherever that is. Consider the following a conversation … without the quotation marks.

****************

We are reporting this in one of their many languages. Our hope that they would develop and use a unilanguage failed. Sadly this is one of many disappointments we have to report.

They have really messed up that religion thing we counted on for their guidance. We left them some latitude but My God – oops, sorry. They got the “Different Gods for Different People - Just Choose One” concept but have used it to torture and butcher each other for centuries. Centuries that’s a miniscule unit of earth time. My bad. Oops again - my bad is modern earthling for acknowledging an error or mistake. It was not part of the language we left them.

It appears that we might have to utilize the Devil in Hell option soon - very soon. Sadly we don’t think many have earned enough merit points to be returning with us in the near future. Even many of their self-appointed religious leaders need to spend some time down under with The Horned One for their own good. What’s that? Yes we’ll get right on it.

Imagine this! None of them think that YOU could be a female. As expected, the men pretty well dominate this place and yes, the men have totally screwed it up - another earthly expression. They have an obsession with sex and sexual expressions.

As you recall, we chose this planet because of its abundant resources for everyone. Soon they will run out. Their water will be totally poisoned by their own doing and undrinkable. Their air will soon be killing them. Their land will be unfit to live on and the wildlife is already heading towards extinction. Go figure! Damn these colloquialisms! Just testing you. I don’t know where they got that one.

Remember when we used to argue among our sexes before we agreed there were eleven? We gave them only two which they are trying to expand to six or seven. They even kill each other over it. It’s a really big topic here. What’s that? No Way you say? Repeat please. OK I get it – now you’re pulling my leg. Way. I forgot you know their languages better than I do.

Here is a very strange habit. Again under the guise of religion, the males and females and now some of the expanded sexes undergo this formal union called marriage. They swear before one of their “Gods” and colleagues that they will forever be true to one another sexually and then they perform any sex act they desire with every other person they can. They just have not yet grasped truth, trust, commitment, and loyalty. Even their leaders are guilty. We think perhaps sexual pleasure was a mistake. We should undo it.

You know how we compete one-on-one or many-on-many in physical activities that require a strong fit body, strength, endurance, and skill? We do it for fun. Here it is a career, and often you don’t even have to go to school. The players are called athletes and they receive incentives which are often worth hundreds of times more than those who do educate themselves for years. Really! They have also totally abused the rudimentary chemistry we bestowed upon them and have developed performance enhancing substances to gain an unfair advantage while competing. They actually think such victories are valid.

They have made good progress on basic use of electronics and now communicate around their planet with it. Unfortunately rather than use it for spreading truth and good, here it is used to entertain and too often to spread lies, evil thoughts, and for personal control over less fortunate people and all they have worked to accomplish.

Now to the equal sharing of power, leadership and wealth between the sexes. Indeed they went through many of the phases we did but it appears that we learned and they have not. Remember when we last did a study on this here?

We found that there had been several examples of very competent leaders of countries here who were female. They were tough when they had to be and defended their charges against others - usually male counterparts - but only when necessary. Some of the names I recall were Thatcher; Meir; Bhutto; Gandhi; Gillard; Merkel and several Queens. What’s that? You should know better than to joke about Queens here. In contrast many of the most horrific eras in their history were attributable to males.

I fear that a rude awakening is needed for this civilization. Fear of annihilation by fire and rain has been ineffective. They are just not getting it the way we thought they would. We have to come up with a way to save the good - there are many of them, but destroy the selfish and wicked - there are too many of those.

There are people here with shelters large and luxurious enough to house a small city and they keep it all for their own small family. The water in their pools could keep a city from dying from thirst. They have become certifiably insane over the rudimentary form of transportation we relayed several visits ago - their cars. They hold competitions to race them. The wasted fuel consumed at these events alone could once again heat a city or plough enough fields to feed thousands. Instead it is totally wasted. These vehicles are getting even bigger.

Thankfully they are learning that use of these fuels is killing them. Progress is being made on electricity and power from their local star. It might be time to give them a small hint as to how we got here - for their own sake.

Upon our return we suggest a full conference of our most wise to discuss their fate. Should it be a nudge in the right direction or total destruction of the worst among them? If the latter, there will be much carnage. They even have a term for that. They call it collateral damage.

Nanu Nanu

Your daughter,

ET.

Stoop and Scoop

Bring Back the Pillory

I was a dog owner, and a pretty responsible one. Whenever I see fellow owners who fail to clean up after their pets, I'm fit to be tied. In my opinion, so are they. There is NO excuse. This makes my blood boil. It also stimulates my creative side - I invent new swear words and punishments.

I have categorized the violators, as follows:

THE MIDNIGHT SKULKER: These people operate under cover of darkness - the most cowardly of them all. They let it fall anywhere - your front lawn, the sidewalk - it matters not. My fondest wish is that two of them pass at night on a walkway, exchange greetings, and then step in each other’s mess before they reach home.

THE MOBILE MARAUDER: This is another cowardly type. They drive to another neighbourhood, (often at night making them MOBILE MIDNIGHT SKULKERS), let their dog out to do its thing, and then speed off upon its return. If they see you they turn out their car lights until they are far enough away that licence numbers can't be seen. My secret desire here is that I could be fast enough to pick up the offending pile on a stick and be able to fling it at the retreating vehicle scoring a direct hit. I envisage it remaining there to be baked by the sun until the next car wash. It would be like The Scarlet Letter - an indication that a true scum is driving the car.

THE MINDLESS MASTER: Mr. or Mrs. Forgetful, when challenged points out that he/she forgot their plastic bag or other form of scooper. I sympathize. It has happened to me. So I carry a spare for these pathetic beings. At that point, they usually mention a bad back. For repeat offenders I’d love to offer them a bag I have already used for my dog. They might continue to forget their own bag but once they put their hand inside they most definitely would remember the experience. 

THE DELIBERATELY FLAGRANT: These people delight in allowing their dog to do it right under the largest and most prominent signs intended to discourage same. If the dog hits the signpost itself I guess they give themselves extra points. Some do it with you and others watching. I am usually speechless when this happens, especially if their dog is bigger than me.

THE SIDEWALK SICKIE: You guessed it - right in the middle of the sidewalk. There is only one worse (see next category). If you are walking with someone else and not watching where you are stepping, your Hush Puppies become Mush Puppies! A person can’t be much more ignorant. One of these times I will quickly clean up their mess myself, and then follow them home. I can’t wait to empty the bag on their stairs - smearing it all over them. An alternative is an old one – light it aflame on their threshold and then ring the bell and run.

THE SCHOOLYARD SCATTERBRAIN: I can not imagine how anyone can be quite so stupid and selfish. To leave a dog's crap in the middle of a schoolyard where children walk and play should be punishable by prison. Time behind bars would be appropriate, but time performing community service would be more useful. I know just the chore - cleaning up after all the other low lives outlined herein.

THE OLDER COUPLE /  MOP DOG DUET: You all know this one - an elderly couple, talking right to you while their yappy little mutt drops one right under your nose. "Oh Cuddles, you BAD thing you". However, that's as far as it goes. Maybe they really DO have difficulty bending over. However there are several devices to spare the stooping and still do the scooping! I could tolerate these if we could eliminate all the rest. I wonder how many seniors are laughing together as they read this, realising that I'm on to them? My mother and father in their more senior years still managed to do the right thing. 

THE PLASTIC FACADE: It is near impossible to catch these types. Carrying plastic bags like me, they actually fill it while in your presence. They might even discuss the overall problem and how disgusting it is to them too. Then on the way home when no-one is watching, they ditch the bag - anywhere. If there is no convenient trash bin the right thing to do is to take it home and deal with it. They will never do this.

Last, but not least:

THE GREAT PRETENDER: Always at a distance, even in the rain, they make an inordinately visible effort to bend over and scoop, bag, brush or whatever. Upon closer inspection, however, you find that they left the poop right where it fell! They deserve Oscars if nothing else. I often think that I should likewise pretend not to notice, pick up the mess when they are not watching, and throw it at them as they walk away. I would steadfastly deny involvement if they pursued me, suggesting instead that a higher power might be punishing them for their crime.

How can we deter these lowlife creatures? What are appropriate and effective punishments for offenders? One idea has already been mentioned, and that is to have the person(s) do community service cleaning up doggy poop locally. They should also be made to wear a suitable form of identification while performing just like the chain gangs in the southern states. A sweat shirt with a big “I’M A POOP” on it front and back would be good. Repeat offenders could be tattooed in such a manner.

The publication of the names of prostitutes’ "Johns" has already been tried with some degree of success. This would be very effective in local newspapers. Compulsory “I’m a POOP” bumper-stickers are another possibility.

A final thought for the Sidewalk Sickie or the Schoolyard Scatterbrain - bring back the pillory. It is extreme but apparently necessary since signs and common sense are not working. Instead of tomatoes and the like however, guess what the general public would throw at them! An ample supply of ammunition would come from the other offenders, having completed their public clean-up service. Newspaper photos would provide a crowning touch.

If any of you have ever had the misfortune of stepping unknowingly into Pluto's plop, there are few experiences more disgusting. Well, maybe one. It happened to me as a child. I was barefooted and the dog was a cow.

Bring back the Pillory!

The Brewster

Marijuana and Driving

MARIJUANA / CANNABIS and Driving

It is shocking whenever we read about how many innocent people are seriously injured or killed by another drunk driver. Often the penalties imposed - especially for repeat offenders -are seriously slack. We don’t yet know whether the same scenarios will be repeated for drivers who are high on pot. “Don’t smoke and drive” should be the rule just as much as “Don’t drink and drive”. I will have a drink but I don't happen to smoke.

Recent DUI charges for alcohol are reasonable as long as no other party is injured as a result – loss of driving privileges short term or long being common. For death or injury caused by someone under the influence, penalties are much more severe and so they should be. Shouldn't the same apply to pot?

If legislation and penalties are to be reasonable however, the consumer should be also. If you are stopped for running a red light or a faulty brake light, an officer should have every right while addressing you to test you if he or she suspects you are under ANY influence that might endanger others. It shouldn’t matter whether they suspected you in advance or not.

If in the process the officer sees a person tied and bound in your back seat and it proves to be a kidnapping, do you go free because there was no prior reason to believe you were a kidnapper? I hope the answer is a unanimous NO.

I can recall scenes in which my friends were higher than a kite on pot and they did some crazy and very irresponsible things which they would never have done otherwise. That was with older and less potent grass. There is no way I would have climbed into a car with them driving.

Just as with booze, there should be no allowance for one person’s self-perceived tolerance over another’s. Set limits – one for all - and apply them to everyone.

Something else to remember: People should do a little surfing to see how lucky we are. You are executed in some places for DUI offences. I imagine the same will apply to smoking up and driving.

Don’t want to take a roadside test for pot? Don’t smoke and drive. Get used to it.

The Brewster