There are many renditions of the infamous “The Night Before Christmas” but here is mine. I did not realize that there was a controversy over who wrote the original (aka “A Visit from St. Nicholas”). There are many articles about this – just look it up. Here is one on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Visit_from_St._Nicholas. Generally attributed to Clement Clarke Moore the counter claim is by Major Henry Livingston Jr.
I know without doubt that neither of them penned “The Fright Before Christmas” by The Brewster - me. I hope it brings a chuckle.
The Fright before Christmas
(By The Brewster)
‘Twas the day before Christmas – that’s what I said,
“Christmas” it is - no generics instead.
A time of traditions – don’t you agree?
Today I must buy my gifts for the tree!
I and my brethren are known to forget,
All women concur I am willing to bet.
It’s in the male genes you must understand,
Women say that our mind’s in our gland.
The annual tirade “Why leave it so late?”
My Dear I’m a man and this is our fate.
Her gifts are all wrapped and under the tree -
The tree that was almost forgotten by me.
My task should be simple I hereby admit.
Baubles that sparkle or garments that fit.
Were she mechanical – fix things like me,
DeWalt or Makita under the tree!
Be that as it may I set off in my car,
To buy her some wine – it was not very far.
Better re-think! My mind does remember,
The glare such a gift received last December.
With nothing in mind I made the next right.
The traffic to take me wherever it might.
When all at once I heard such a clatter,
Red and blue lights pursuing some matter.
I pulled to the curb as the law does dictate,
To let him go by in his much hurried state.
He didn’t pass so I looked in the mirror
A cruiser I saw and it couldn’t be nearer.
Just what I needed in my distress.
Soon all the roads would be such a mess.
I glanced once again and what did I see?
One of our finest but he was a she.
I rolled down my window and started to think.
Thank Santa today I had nothing to drink.
I know that I signalled the blinker still on,
This cop was a goddess and I was her pawn.
“Any drinks Sir?” – she asked with a stare.
“What are you serving?” – gorgeous blonde hair.
“Please step outside” she said with no grin.
Making it clear that my charm would not win.
“Do you know why I stopped you?” posed with a frown.
I decided to nix my attempts as a clown.
“I know that I signalled and came to a halt,
With no time to speed just what was my fault?”
To sample my breath she was right in my face.
Halitosis perhaps but of drink not a trace.
“Your turn and your speed were fine” she did say.
“The problem you have – this street is One Way!”
Four lanes of cars all swerving and weaving.
Horns and loud curses we were receiving.
I opened my door and sat down to wait
While officer Venus wrote up my fate.
She gave me my summons then turned about face
To halt all the traffic – what a disgrace.
Dozens were watching as I withdrew.
I was the star and they were the crew.
On with the task – my time is cut short.
Ironically now I could use a good snort.
Permit me this moment to whine and to pout.
I felt like a twit and I royally struck out!
I know a place that is just ‘round the bend.
Two complete floors of a girl’s best friend.
Tiny blue box to bring instant smiles.
Gigantic bill to add to the piles.
It’s been a while since I bought her a gem.
No question about it – women like them.
I pull into the lot and I enter the fray
Of desperate men on their last shopping day.
“May I help you?” after only ten paces.
The game has begun and she has all the Aces.
“I’m thinking a broach – something nice a surprise”.
That’s when I see her mouth and her eyes.
Steady on mate – surely once is enough.
You are too old for this flirtatious stuff.
“A birthstone perhaps - which one?” she does quiz.
Strike two for I don’t have a clue what it is.
“No problem Sir – the month she was born?”
Thank Santa I don’t have to get on the horn.
I told her and then she showed a selection.
I swear that those legs were total perfection.
“I like this one” passed to me with a grin.
“I’ll take it” I said dreaming horrible sin.She wrapped it and I followed her to the till
Knowing my jaw was hung open still.
“Cash or credit” calculating her take.
Flashing her pearly white teethe for my sake.
I took out my card and I gave it to her.
She swiped it through her till with a whir.
Then while we waited – transactions were slow.
She knew from the start just how this would go.
I smiled and tried to really look cool
I smiled and tried to really look cool
I knew she was thinking one thing “What a fool!”
This awkward moment was suddenly broken
The Internet Gods had finally spoken.
Making me wish I were dead on the spot
“Invalid PIN” the response that I got.
“No problem” said I as I whipped out another.
“Account overdrawn” – I want my Mother!
I told her that I would be back with the cash
Then made for the door as quick as a flash.
I sat in my car feeling just like a schmuck
How could one man in one day have such luck?
And there on the seat was another reminder
That nothing today would unfold much kinder.
My lady cop had said with a snort
If I want to challenge she’d see me in court.
If this last half hour doesn’t beat all …
Officer Riley’s first name was PAUL!
I here bare my soul on a cold winter’s night
To lessen your load when you hear my plight.
So when you partake of that big meal divine.
Remember your Christmas was better than mine!