Mother Goose - The Sequel

Canada Goose

Firstly, for the uninformed, the CANADA GOOSE is NOT an indigenous form of sexual grabbing in the land of the Mounted Police. No, the Canada Goose is a bird - a very large one. It is, however, not unique to Canada although I'm sure many nations wish that were the case.

There was a time when Canada geese spent the summer in Canada but come winter, they would migrate south to warm climates just like many other Canadians. Then however, I believe they learned how to work the system, also like other Canadians. They return once per year for a minimum stay to secure free medical treatment of broken wings, acute sunburn, annual checkups etc. Obviously no birth control pills. I understand that various provincial and federal governments are working independently (of course) on closing this flagrant rip-off of public funds. So far they appear to be failing. They are up against formidable competition – superior bird-brains.

Typically the white bibbed birds fly in a distinctive "V" formation in the sky. I used to think that this behaviour proved the intelligence of the bird - very strategic. Now however, I realise that Canada Geese should be flying in "C" formation. They are not after all Venezuelan Geese. Besides, if they were so smart they would just stay south where it remains warm thus obviating the weary flights. Then the Medicare would not be needed. Now it appears that most of them stay all winter as well.

It seems that there is a population explosion every year. Given their current numbers I suspect that all they ever do is … well … goose each other. There are MILLIONS of them. They put the rabbit to shame.  A goose has up to a dozen or more offspring. I have never actually seen two of them performing the act. It makes me wonder then – why is their population so immense?

My own theory is that the "act" takes place on water right before our eyes while they appear to be just floating. It certainly gives a new meaning to synchronised swimming! That would mean that the males are very skilled and very well endowed. At any given time several are constantly "honking" - a distinctive, horrible sound. I can't distinguish the male honk from the female one. Could it be that this is climactic delight - you know, the big “O”? Are they declaring that the lake moved?  I believe that when they are honking on land, what they are really saying is "How about a quick swim - a little dip in the pond if you know what I mean - nudge, nudge, wink, wink, honk, honk?

Many consider them to be magnificent at least in the sky - “C”, “V” or whatever. In fact, all aspects of their flight are fascinating - especially the take-off and landing and there are several documentaries on the subject. The distances they cover are truly amazing. In my opinion the magnificence ends there.

Like most birds and some humans, it appears that they never received toilet training. The characteristic green droppings are everywhere. I once spent just over 2 1/2 years in London England in the early 1970’s, and there were even large numbers of them in Hyde Park at that time. I was taken back when I detected a tone of annoyance in the normal English politeness, as I brought up the subject of my fellow flying Canadians in the famous park. Quite simply, they made a horrible mess. It was as though I was being blamed. I wondered if they thought that I might recklessly squat and attend to business on the grass myself. Bloody Colonials!

Geese are attracted to golf courses – lots of grass. Golfers hate them. Spectators hate them. Greenkeepers hate them. No doubt the feeling is mutual. Although I am sure it is good for the grass, green goose poop is not good for the golf shoes. Greens have become a little too green. Golfers have developed their own "goose step" as though the green were a mine field. Removing such obstructions before a putt is not a pleasant task.

Do geese live forever? I never see any dead ones - dead seagulls and other birds, but no dead geese. I suppose this is a good thing - I would not want to have one drop out of the sky and onto my head. They bring down airplanes. A long life expectancy would explain the numbers. One of the coldest winters I recall was 1993-1994. The geese were still here. How do they eat under such conditions? The grass is under several inches of snow and ice. The ponds and most rivers are frozen. Once again we see their intellect.

These Mother Geese have learned that in winter Canadians see them as homeless fellow citizens. We feed them. I suspect the birds also know about “landed immigrant status.” In their case however they can just land anywhere without the need for airports or immigration. Mark my words: it is only a matter of time before publicly funded goose housing projects are under construction. They will get the vote at this rate.

I have a suggestion. The next time there is an emergency call for food in some part of the world, try this. There was a Canadian with a lightweight aircraft who trained his geese to follow him. Unfortunately he has passed. But perhaps someone else could copy the idea and lead the damn things straight to the stricken area. Call it “Smart-Aid” - they will actually fly themselves to those in need and their plates. Heck, the recipients could collect the goose down and sell it back to us for winter clothing thus helping both economies. We get most of our goods from abroad now anyway. I do believe my own bird brain is on to something here.

There you have it - a full circle. My mother used to read Mother Goose tales to us. Now I am writing my own. The only thing missing is the "And they lived happily ever after.” That does seem to apply to Canadian Geese – not so much to the rest of us.

The Brewster

Secrets – Don't Tell Anyone BUT …

What is it in human nature that seems to cause so many of us to treat a “secret” like some kind of trading chip  - an international currency which will be accepted anywhere and can be instantly traded for more of the same?  

Whenever someone begins a conversation with the likes of “Can you keep a secret?” I have some immediate thoughts - negative thoughts. "Yes, I can keep a secret but obviously you can’t, so I will never divulge any to you." There is also the classic “I’m not supposed to tell anyone but …” and I think "So why are you?" In each case a trust is being broken if they tell me. The loose jaws really come out of the woodwork in a corporate environment, especially when the boss passes on something in confidence.

I loathe this. Is it just me or does anyone out there agree? I think along the following lines:
  

When someone trusts me well enough to tell me something about themselves or about some thought or concern they have, it is a compliment. This person sees me as a true friend. If they ask me to keep it to myself I do. To do otherwise is to betray the confidence placed in me. I admit that sometimes it is difficult, but for me it is a matter of pride. Unfortunately, most other people do not seem to agree. 

I have a friend who once passed on something that he was not meant to and I called him on it. He laughed and justified his actions by saying that if the source really wanted to keep it a secret, then they wouldn't or shouldn't have told him in the first place. Maybe he was right.

I suppose the only true secret is the one that never leaves the cranium. If you pass on a confidence - note the word I am using -  to a trusted friend - great!  That is one of the benefits of true friends. They are hard to find. Afterwards you have the choice of telling someone else but they do not. If a group of people all agree that something which is about to be spoken or has been spoken is to be kept strictly among the members of the group then that qualifies as a secret as well. No member however should decide independently to tell someone outside the group. 

When someone at the office seems to know just about everything before anyone else hears it they like to call it “networking.” Developing the biggest network often becomes a game practiced by both sexes. What they do not seem to realize is that some people (me for sure) conclude that the inventory of confidential information they have in their brains might have been ill gotten. People won’t continue to “network” confidential things if they receive nothing in return and It is very likely that the collector gave up something for the information in question. 

With the internet and Social Networking today it is easy to collect and dispense as much public information as desired and to be the first. Many well-known TV and Radio personalities make a career of it. But to me secrets conveyed directly to me are and will remain sacred.

Naturally all of this is just between us.

The Brewster

Monsters - of the Hose Variety I Have Known

I've been Hosed

I enjoy mechanical challenges and trying to solve them. I still dream about the million dollar invention. Here is one which I have not yet resolved. There are gadgets which claim to solve this problem but from my observations, none have been successful. 

Before proceeding, you should know that I have a Ph.D. in Hose-Coiling through a Plant Watering Scholarship from a well-known American university. My peers call me "Dr. Hoser" but The Brewster is preferred.

Try as I might, it is impossible to coil a long garden hose without producing knots which I would be unable to tie if my life depended on it. I gave up on cheap plastic hoses long ago. When it is cold outside they might as well be made of metal. Nothing like a good, expensive, pliable, rubber! Perhaps the Durex company should get into garden hoses.

One of my longest hoses is kept in the garage. When I am putting it away I am more meticulous than when I fold my clothes.


First, I lay out its full length in my driveway so that it drains. For those of you without a doctorate it is critical that the driveway slants away from the garage. This was actually a major element in my thesis. Next I stand on the high end and I pull the entire thing towards me by one arm's length to form a small loop on the ground. It can’t be too wide - just enough to eventually hang on that useless winding gizmo I bought - more on that later.

Hoses have a mind of their own. Funny, people say that about me. With each pull, I have to twist the coil with my wrist so that it will lie flat. It always flops one way or the other during this critical stage resembling some landed large-mouthed bass. The next few feet of hose will then twist clockwise or counter-clockwise in a corkscrew manner. The direction of twist is never the same and I don’t know why. The tension in the remainder of the hose is then almost as high as the tension in me.

I have this repeat vision that some day my lady will come out to the driveway only to find me strangled by the sudden unleashing of all of that power – like a tow truck cable snapping. The coiled part suddenly unwinds and loops around my neck choking me instantly. What a way to go. Imagine the headlines - “Man dies from hose- cause of death old rubber”. At other times I rest one foot on it like a great African safari hunter. I digress. After this careful process is finished and I have a relatively neat and now defeated hose at my feet, I hang it on that contraption on the wall mentioned earlier.

This also requires great care. I have often had the last loop fling itself off in one final death struggle like Glenn Close rising from the tub at the end of Fatal Attraction. It can be devastating if the metal nozzle is still attached and within proximity of a car. Bye, Bye paint job.

OK - now it is hung. The real mystery is why, after all of this, it gets so tangled the next time I use it. I also addressed this in my thesis which I believe guaranteed my pass.

I lay it down about 10 feet from the faucet with the female end on top (I always liked that anyway.)  That is the end that goes on to the faucet. Use your imagination if you are not familiar with these mechanical "male" and "female" references. Then I uncoil enough to walk the female part to the tap on the wall connecting it as tightly as I can. So far, so good. Next I do what I think is very clever. My Professor agreed. I flip the coil over so that the male end is on top. Again - not a bad choice.

In theory, I should now be able to pull the damn thing out to its full length with no problem. I take off running. BAM! I get stopped in my tracks and jerked backwards almost wrenching off my arm. I can’t look back during this dash because I might hit a tree. I did once so maybe that is why I write this stuff. I cautiously backtrack fearing strangulation again and there it is - a mangled, tangled mess of hose. In order to untangle it, by some unwritten law of nature it always requires retrieval of the far end to feed back through the tangle. 

PLEASE. Someone tell me I’m not alone. Can’t anyone invent a hose that does not tangle? I have bought them with this claim but to no avail. I see new ones every year. Personally I would rather receive Emails offering to keep my hose straight than the ones I already receive claiming to lengthen it.

Now about that hose coiler - you know the kind? You attach the water supply to one side of it and the hose to the other side. In theory you can crank it in or out without shutting off the water. Great idea! Try as I did however, I could never get the hose clamp tight enough on the supply end to prevent it from pushing itself off the connection under pressure and flooding my garage, usually without my knowledge. (OK. I am omitting the part about me not shutting off the tap.) 

I think local utility companies designed these. It increases water bills. That elegant “coiler shutteroffer thing” which was someone’s personal invention is now just a passive hose hanger on the wall albeit a very impressive one. It is like buying a mannequin to hang a tie. I hope you went broke whoever you are.

Surely firefighters have mastered a solution to this? Now there is a thought. Why don’t firefighters go into the hose coiling consulting business? They could make a fortune. On the other hand, maybe all I have to do is buy a used fire truck to park in my driveway which would take all of my hoses. Surely I would get a break on the house insurance? I can just hear the reaction of my wife and my neighbours!  

That's a wrap.

The Brewster